Friday, October 28, 2011

I wish I. . .

This is a little off of what I ususally blog about. But I feel like I need to do something about what's going on in my mind and in my life. People ask how I'm doing and I say I love it and hid all my emotions so that no one can really see what's going on with me. Nobody really knows my emotions so here I am spilling it all. This is what has been going through my mind lately. Don't worry, I'm still me. So, here I go. . .

I wish I had friends here in Cedar City. I've been here three months and I only hangout with two people. Jessie and Cash. I don't mind it because I like hanging out with them. But I wish I had more friends to hang with when they are at work or gone.

I wish I could go to the Howl tonight or to a football game or some kind of school activity. Cash would go if I dragged him to it, but he'd rather be at home working on something or just hanging around. So there's no fun in it when he doesn't want to be there. And  I'm always working at night so any activity after 5 is completely out of quesiton.

I wish I could have the courage to make new friends. Yeah, I know people in my classes but other than that there is no socializing.

I wish I had the endurance to start exercising and eating healthier. All I do is eat Panda Express, Del Taco, or other fast foods and drink soda in my room until work. I want to be outside walking or running. More likely walking since asthma and a heart murmur is a runners enemy. But I bet if I got in shape my asthma and murmur wouldn't be a problem. I want to be the size I was in high school. I wasn't the skinniest but it's alot better than the way I look now.

I wish I could express my feelings more instead of hiding them all in. My color personality is red/blue. It sucks. Why? Here's the reason why it sucks:

The most difficult color combinations is Red and Blue. If you are strong in both categories (DING DING! That's me.) you will often find yourself steppin one someone's toes to get a task completed (RED), but feeling guilty afterward for making that person unhappy (BLUE). So pretty much I'm hungry for power, want to be productive, I want to look good to others, shouldn't be taken too seriously and seek leadership opportunities. But yet, I also am motivated by altruism, crave intimacy, need to be loved, and is directed by a strong moral conscience. I know that they don't really look like opposites, but if you Google both colors they are pretty opposite. It sucks.

I wish I had more hours at work so that I don't sit on my butt and do nothing all day long. I've considered leaving Lin's in St. George in order to get a cashier job at either the Lin's here in Cedar or even Smith's. But it's the fact that I know I can go home and I still have a job to rely on if I needed it. That I could go from produce and back to checking. But it's the fact that I don't want to work at a grocery store the rest of my life and the fact that I don't want to leave my Lin's family.

I wish I could have the courage/knowledge/strength to know what I really want to do in my college career. I've had so much time on my hands I've been bouncing back and forth of dropping out of school and attending hair school, or joining the marines. I don't know what field I want to go into and I don't know if I should pursue a teaching job. But I don't want to become one of the students that has been there for so long I could have four degrees but no major since I can't decide.
And the big one.

I wish I had strength to attend church. I've been thinking about attending sacrament but alas, I have no one to go with. I kinda want to go to church, but I fear that I will become part of the group that I tried so hard in high school to avoid because they wouldn't accept me. I don't want to become someone who is so into the church that my religion gets in the way of accepting people for who they are. I don't know if I want missionary lessons or to be baptized in the church since my entire family on both sides are waiting for the day for me to say I'm ready to join them. I don't want to marry in the temple, I don't want to go to relief society or have a calling. I just want to go to church and listen. I want to be accepted for who I am and my decisions without judgement and without fear. I want to be me. I want to be able to go to church and then go shopping after. I want to do what I want to do without having others judge me for my decisions.

How do I do that?

4 comments:

Anisa said...

I don't know if you want advice.... Sometimes it helps to get things out in the air.

I know that church has always been the place to help me make friends. Whenever I've moved, I've made friends by going to church... I make friends every time I go visiting teaching... my kids make friends at church. Maybe that would be a place to start... and maybe you could find someone to work out with and hang out with. Just a thought.

Georgadele said...

Kali!

You beautiful girl - it hurts me that you're struggling there in Cedar. Finding friends will help you with your motivation and desire to accomplish more...but I know how difficult that is in college.

I also know how difficult it is to try and find "truth" in college. I wasn't a member of the church growing up in St. George... but somehow I took a leap of faith while at SUU and it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life.

I'm not saying you should join the church or NEED to join the church. You are amazing just the way you are. BUT, if you feel the need for something as rewarding as taking the sacrament you should do it. That's why I started going to church and that's why I continue to go to church. (and sometimes I leave after sacrament...shhhhh don't tell.... haha)

I miss you little brownie! I want to come back to Utah so I can be brown again! lols

Miss Jessie said...

If I would've known I would've invited you to come to church with me long ago. You should come with me tomorrow, I'd love to have someone to sit with.
I still struggle to make friends, that's why I don't sleep on the weekends because I play with my St. George friends after work. I think you need to just keep trying, and hopefully next semester you'll be able to work in the mornings, then you can go to ward activities with me.
I'll recommend you read "The Power of Positive Thinking" that book helped me out when I was really depressed, I have a copy that you can borrow. Keep holding on, it will get better, you just need to be patient.

Lucashell said...

AMEN about the Judging.... We live in wyoming and it is horrible up here. Ummm its been hard cause we live so far from family so we had noone. I can't really give good advice, I never really had friends til I moved here. It has just really been me and Lucas for about 9 years. But I worked and he worked so we were so busy. I had a really hard time at first when we moved here, I really had to step out of my box which I don't like to do but it did pay off I have met some awesome ladies that are really fun so it was worth it. I have said no to callings I think they are too demanding and the church doesn't understand that we have lives outside the church... Really in the grand scale I think the lord would rather have you at church than in a calling that makes you want to be inactive, if that makes sense.